Girl gives up, spontaneously combusts

Girl gives up, spontaneously combusts
If there is a cure for frustration, this surely is it

Penelope Infomatrix, the Daily Pursuit

Winnipeg (TVDH) - The personal and psychological damage to Tessa Vanderhart may be irreparable, after an impromptu breakdown eventually lead to the local reporter erupting into flames, much to the bemusement of those around her.

Newly single, she is in anguish from a potentially one-sided - not to mention geographically strained and duplicitious - relationship, which continues to confuse more than help her deal with bigger problems.

"The scene today in Winnipeg is not pretty. Environmental disasters recoil in fear at the enormity of the emotional explosion we are currently experiencing," said CNN's chief meteorologist, Joe Blow. "I can't understand why we continue to prod bloated, dead bodies with cameras when this poor girls is homeless, alone, and has a dead cell phone."

Yes, it's true - in addition to her more pressing 'boy issues', Vanderhart is on a tight deadline for the Manitoban.

"Attempting to write 6 stories myself, help a new volunteer and assign Trevor to cover potentially one of the biggest stories of the year, on the day his girlfriend leaves for BC - what was I thinking?" she implored at 4:30 pm today.

Fortunately, she has since calmed down, thanks in great part to therapeutic blogging.

"It doesn't matter if I don't write a wire story this week," she said. "I'll write *two* next week!"

It is this same vigor that allowed for this precarious situation to develop, but fortunately for the larger part of the week she was oddly enthusiastic, a characteristic often quite foreign to Miss Vanderhart.

Despite being called hourly by her ex-boyfriend and exceedingly isolated from friends and family due to home and car-lessness, she managed to stay bouyant as a result of an inspiring meeting with an unnamed male this past weekend, who sources say is unbelievably nice and cute, particularly when he bats his eyelashes or exclaims "yes!" at the end of everything.

"But when I realized how silly I was being, it all came crashing down," she said.

The unknown male could not be reached for comment at this time, as Vanderhart was afraid of the potentially negative ramifications of appearing too desperate.

"I practically tried to rape him, for Christ's sake," she said. "Why would he even want to talk to me?"

In related news, Vanderhart is exhausted from a 6km hike - hampered by all of her worldly possessions - back from looking at a house in Woleseley and failing to note the bus schedule, a move she claims was only made because she is "desperate."

This self-same desperation has led to little sleep, near malnutrition from lack of food consumption, and obsessively listening to a CBC Radio 3 playlist and, later, a mixed CD, courtesey of the mystery gentleman.

"It's no wonder she crashed and burned," said US President George W. Bush. "I know I couldn't run the free world if I listened to emo 20 hours a day."

Bob Woodward could not be reached for comment at press time, but sources say that he likely would not care. He was, however, forwarded an advanced copy of a 873-page book titled "Keep Right": The CD with 1,385 meanings, all of which are integrally important.

It remains unclear if the book will be published. And while it has been confirmed that the girl is on fire, it is as of yet unknown if the boy is responsible for setting it.